Be Excellent To Each Other

After renting Ratatouille from the library I decided to skip the going-out-after-I-had-the-previous-five-weekends-already-and-so-I-needed-a-fucking-break-okay night out and instead cook a dish I hadn't tried before and scarf it down with a fine bottle of wine along with a top inspirational film with pleasing Peter O'Toolism.

I was overjoyed to find that in doing so I created...

The Bestest Omelette in the World Ever!

(Also known as tortilla.)

The cookbook!

Ingredients:

Six unpeeled little dinky potatoes.
Four Mushrooms.
One small corgette.
Five eggs.
Two slices of quality bacon.
Some cheese.
Basil.
A nice Rioja or Shiraz. (In this case - Chilean Errazuriz Estate Shiraz 2006)

Chop tatties into small thin slices.
Chop mushrooms into thin slices.
Chop corgettes into thin slices.
Dice onions.

Heat olive oil in pan and pour tatty slices and onion dices upon. Sprinkle salt upon tatties. Go for a low heat. Cook for around ten minutes. Add sliced mushrooms and corgettes. Keep cooking on a low heat.

Break five eggs into a bowl. Whisk until eggy goodness is a solidish yellow, no need for scrambled egg perfection.

Fry bacon in seperate pan. Remove godly bacon, slice into strips.

Twenty minutes has passed! Add bacon to low heat mass of veg and tatties. Veg and tatties should by this time be pleasantly cooked but still substantial. Make sure tatties are cooked through to be edible. They can be fine tuned in the extended funkadelic low heat jam.

Pour bix veg, bacon and tatty mix into eggy bowl. Add four tablespoons of oil to original mix pan. Stir eggy bowl and pour mixture into pan. Add sprinkling of basil. Cook on low heat for twenty five minutes. Grate cheese over mass early on for cheesy goodness.

After twenty five minutes, surface oil should have disappeared-ish and it's almost ready. If oil has not fully disappeared, cheat and tilt pan and dab away excess oil. Now, place large plate onto mass and turn over pan, flipping tortilla/Spanish omelette onto plate. Spatula hopefully still intact omelette/tortilla back onto pan and low cook for another couple of minutes so you get the other side.

Serve on plate with light salad, perhaps involving bay leaves and cherry tomatoes and black olives and olive oil. Add shiraz or rioja for pleasing splishy splashy.

Truly, slow cooking with breaks from the pan to watch Look Around You and quality Pixar productions is the bestest thing ever.*

ADD YOUR EATS!

* PS: I'll probably be less smug after the glowy drink wears off.

eggs =

Yu... yu no like eggs?

Mi no likey the eggs, no.

Bwahs.

Still! Those who likey eggs will likey above. Possibly.

Unless you are one of those strange sweets junkies who eat nothing but sweets and go on about sweets and live the life of sweets in some sugar junkie sweet horror-heaven. Sweets.

Always been a savoury man myself. Anyway, post your recipies and who knows, we may end up with an exciting recipie portion of our anticipated website. It will be like other recipie webpages, only not as good... BUT NEVERMIND, IT WILL BE BETEO!

Now I'm going to watch Metropolis because it is late and I still have wine left. Gute nacht.

That sounds great, Pete. My wife makes lovely spanish tortilla very similar to that (she learnt when she lived in Pamplona for a few months, all the bars and cafes over there have them as snack food and they are flipping great). In fact, the reason we are up early today is to make a couple to take to a family party.

My boss is from Madrid and he loves them, he says that no two are ever the same - especially as you can put in so many little variations or touches - we use chunks of potato and mash them in with the egg and seasoning, with tons of fried onion. Chucking in things like chopped peppers, chorizo, peas make some lovely combinations. My personal favourite is two fairly plain, thinner ones with a layer of ham and cheese sandwiched between

Anyway, the real reason I posted, apart from some mutual tortilla appreciation, was to 'big up' tortilla pans. We often had troubel flipping ours over as large ones break easily. A tortilla pan is just two pans than hook together for easy flipping. They're awesome. I don't know if they are easy to get over here, but out there you can find them virtually anywhere.

Looks a bit like this, convenience fans:

Goatboy's Pizza

Arrange base with your choice of tomato sauce and cheese on it. Heat your oven.

Then assemble the following:

Olive Oil
1 x tray of cubed pancetta (or cube your own, also works with bacon for scummers)
1 x onion
Mushrooms (button, halved is fine here)
Woo-yestershershire Sauce
Rosemary
Black Pepper
A few halved cherry tomatos is never unewelcome in this dish either

Directions:

Fry onions, OLIVE OIL, low heat.
Add pancetta
chuck in a little rosemary, worcester and pepper
add shrooms and toms
chuck in more rosemary, worcester and pepper
and again
and again
put it on your pizza
cook your pizza
eat your pizza (Don't share it, this is your pizza and everyone else can kiss your arse)

cooking times vary - consider how long it needs to be on the base and in the oven and factor that extra cooking into it. You can use the topping to fill pittas or just spoon any leftovers ponce your pizza is replete into your festering gob straight from the pan.

WARNING: THIS TOPPING IS GREASY AS ALL FUCK. LOVELY THOUGH.

Vegitarian Alternative:

Muesli or some shit like that.

Mimi's Jambalaya

I'm going to be cooking this for Craig in a few days time - not cooked it in aaages, but it is one of my favourites. It is not cooked in the traditional jamablaya style, as I cook the rice seperately, but that's because I prefer my jambalaya to be less 'liquidy'

OK, you need:
•Rice
•Chorizo
•(I use chicken breast, but any de-boned chicken pieces are fine)
•Sausage*
•Peppers
•Onion
•chilli/chilli flakes/chilli powder (whichever you have to hand)
• Smoked paprika
•garlic
• fajita mix
•chopped tomatoes or pasata

1) Get your rice on the go (as I say, you can add the rice in afterwards, with the water, and cook it all in the jambalaya pan - I do not like it like this as I think it spoils the pockets of flavour and makes everything taste the same. My way is better...)

2) heat your oil and chuck in your sliced or chopped chorizo - get all of those lovely flavours going and release the oil.

3)After oils have been released remove chorizo and put aside on a plate (do not use kitchen towel or it will soak up all of those lovely flavours.)

4)Add onion to that same pan, and fry in the chorizo oil until slightly softened.

5)Add cubed chicken and half a packet of fajita seasoning, plus chilli and crushed/finely chopped garlic. Fry until chicken is browned and cooked through.

6)Add cooked sausage (see note) heat through thoroughly.

7)Add peppers, and season with salt and pepper

Add rice, plus half a can of chopped tomatoes or a third of a small carton of pasata. Season to taste.

____________

*note on cooked sausage. You can use any pre-cooked sausage (from your breakfast the day before, etc), but Mattessons have bought out a 'Hot and Spicy smoked sausage' which works wonderfully. It is ready to eat straight out of the packet, cold if you so wished, but it is tasty and you can store it in the cupboard as an added bonus. If you are not a veggie they make a great store cupboard ingredient as they are so tasty, or you could just bung it in a piece of french roll for immediate giant hot-dog when you are back from the pub

Sold in a looped sausage of over a for for about £1 - proabably found near the frankfurters in the supermarket, though in Asda they have them on a shelf (as I say, no refrigerator needed) they have non-spicy versions too, and one with garlic, I think.

My ex-housemate (who is a pro chef - trufax) has been teaching me very good soup recipes. They are also all vegan cos I is hippy scum like that! Here are some.

---------------------------------------
Potato and Leek Soup
---------------------------------------

Ingredients:

1-2 Onions
1/2 Clove Garlic
3 Potatoes
1-2 Leeks
Fresh Parsley
1/2 tea/sp Dried Nutmeg
1 tbl/sp Whole Grain Mustard
1 tbl/sp Vegetable Stock
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper for taste


Fry off Onions and Garlic until they start to go transparent with as little Olive Oil as possible.

Add finely chopped fresh Parsley.

Chop the Leeks up small and then wash well in a colinder, as dirt will be right through the Leeks.

Add Leeks to pan then let fry for 2 minutes.

Chop 1 inch cubes of Potato and add to pan.

Add 3 pints of water (enough to cover all vegetables).

Add Vegetable Stock.

Let it come to boil, then simmer until the potatoes are just soft enough to break up easily.

Add 1/2 tea/sp Dried Nutmeg.

Add 1 tbl/sp Whole Grain Mustard.

Blend, add Salt & Pepper for taste, Re-heat and Serve.

---------------------------------------
Sweet Potato and Coconut Milk Soup
---------------------------------------

Ingredients:

1-2 Onions
1/2 Clove Garlic
3 Sweet Potatoes
1 Tin Coconut Milk
Fresh Coriander
2 tbl/sp Dried Coriander
2 tbl/sp Dried Cumin
1 tbl/sp Vegetable Stock
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper for taste


Fry off Onions and Garlic until they start to go transparent with as little Olive Oil as possible.

Add dried Coriander and Cumin and let fry at low heat for a little longer.

Chop 1 inch cubes of Sweet Potato, add to pan and allow to fry in spices for a minute or so.

Add 1-2 pints of water (enough to cover all vegetables).

Add Vegetable Stock.

Let it come to boil, then simmer until the potatoes are just soft enough to break up easily.

Add tin of Coconut Milk and fresh Coriander.

Blend, add Salt & Pepper for taste, Re-heat and Serve.

---------------------------------------
Tomato Soup
---------------------------------------

Ingredients:

2 Onions
1/2 Clove Garlic
Tomato Puree
3 Tins Chopped Tomatoes
Fresh Basil
3 tbl/sp Sugar
3 tbl/sp Red Wine Vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper for taste


Fry off Onions and Garlic until they start to go transparent with as little Olive Oil as possible.

Add Salt & Pepper.

Add Sugar and Red Wine Vinegar and let fry at low heat for a little longer.

Add about 1/3rd tube of Tomato Puree.

Add 3 tins of Chopped Tomatoes.

Add 1 tin of Water.

Let it come to boil, then simmer for about 20 minutes.

Take of heat and blend.

Add finely chopped Basil.

Add more Salt & Pepper for taste.


This one is best ever for making massive vats of the stuff, then using it as a tomato base for pasta sauces or many other useful things.

Battered Noodles
Serves 3
You will need:

* 150g noodles
* 4 lime
* 2 sausages
* 30g grapes
* 20g iceberg lettuce

Instructions:

1. put the iceberg lettuce in the saucepan
2. eat the grapes
3. blend with the iceberg lettuce
4. add the iceberg lettuce to the saucepan
5. sauté the sausages
6. discard the noodles
7. simmer the sausages gently for 20 minutes
8. add the sausages to the saucepan
9. throw the lime away
10. put everything in the blender

http://jamesoff.net/site/fun/random-recipe-generator/
(First posted by Dudley)

Kalmar's easy red soup:

1 tin chopped tomatoes
1 cup of lentils
Large onion
small fresh chilli or chilli paste
Some strands of spaghetti
25ml vegetable oil
salt and pepper and worcester sauce to taste

Chop the onion and saute it in the oil, in a large saucepan, until completely sauted.
Add the chopped chilli or chilli paste.
Add the tin of chopped tomatoes.
Refill the tin with water and add that
Add a handful of orange lentils
Boil and then simmer for 20 minutes
Break up the spaghetti and discard it (only kidding, add it)
Cook for 5 more minutes, or until you're ready to eat it.

The first of those recipes sounds tempting - the second one sounds like a car crash of a meal, though

Pickled Onions a la Myfinger.

(i)Buy a big feck off can of pickled onions.
(ii) Open can.
(iii) Eat until empty.

----

Or if you fancy something "spicy". Try this: http://gallery.eggwan.com/v/stupidity/food/album60/

I expected more cats in that recipe.

Disclaimer - I have no desire to cook/eat cats.

Don't forget your signature dish, the Waffle of Death:

Do the sausages spin round it in the frying pan, protecting it in an end of level guardian sort of way?

Literal-lol. My dogs are looking at me funny.

Whilst we are cooking with MyFinger:

And now for a pictorial guide to his very favourite recipe, Forty Badly Cooked Sausages.

First, start with forty sausages, a cheesy grin, and a very bad oven:



Place the sausages into the oven for between an hour and ninety minutes. In any normal oven, this will of course be complete in a matter of minutes. See TheOvenInCroftStreet for more information on the oven in use in this picture, however. Do not -- I repeat, do not -- turn the sausages at any point during the cooking. This will break the flavour seal and allow precious grease to escape.

Finally, remove the sausages from the oven, and serve. Note that you can achieve a wonderful glistening raw texture on one side, a flavour that constrasts nicely with the carbonised opposite side of each sausage.



Finally, add a little chilli sauce (but not Dave's Insanity Sauce unless you're stupid), and enjoy!

While this is bumped, I'll stick in a couple of my recent successes. They're instructions rather than recipes, because I don't do recipes.

Firstly, Rack Of Lamb with Chorizo & Bean Cassoulet

Get some fresh chorizo, and cut into chunks. Has to be fresh really - cured just doesn't let the flavour out into the beans well enough and ends up a little bit too chewy. Dice half a red onion and a large garlic clove. Fry up onion, garlic, and chorizo in a tiny splash of oil until the sausage is well coloured and has leeched plenty of oil into the rest of the ingredients - don't let the garlic burn though. Stick a drained tin of whatever beans you like into the pan (I used mixed canellini, borlotti, and red kidney). You could use dried, just soak them as required before use. Toss well on the heat to coat the beans in the lovely chorizo oil. Add a pint of chicken stock and season with pepper (I found it a little salty, so definitely don't add any more salt and it may be worth using half stock-half water). Set on one side to simmer down until the stock has reduced to a thick sauce and the beans are soft.

Trim the rack of lamb of excess fat as desired. Season, then sear on all sides in a hot pan for a minute or so until nicely coloured. Transfer to an oven at about 180 degrees for 8 minutes for medium rare.

Second, Tuna Salade Nicoise

First prepare the dressing. Finely chop a handful of flat leaf parsley into a bowl. Add 3 finely chopped garlic cloves and a quarter finely diced red onion, a dozen diced black olives, a dozen diced capers, and two rinsed and diced anchovy fillets. Add 4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil and 1 tablespoon white wine vinegar and season with pepper (plenty of saltiness in the olives, anchovies, and capers). Muddle it all about and leave to infuse.

Prepare your salad ingredients. Peel and slice 6 salad potatoes (desiree or charlotte) in about 1/2 centimetre slices and parboil until soft. Should take about 8-10 minutes. When done, drain the potatoes and lay them out on kitchen paper to get rid of any water. Trim a handful of green beens and boil until cooked but crunchy - again, about 10 minutes. Chop the beans into inch-lengths.

Lay the potatoes in a single layer on each plate, with the beans on top. Season and dress with a good few teaspoons of the dressing.

Take 2 tuna steaks and season well. Heat a pan with a little olive oil, then add the tuna steaks. Depending on thickness, they'll need 1-2 minutes each side to stay nice and pink in the middle.

Put a small handful of salad leaves on top of the potatoes and beans, and dress again. Add the tuna steaks and put a final teaspoon of the dressing on top.

Eat.

The best recipe and foodstuff in the world is, of course, Jambalaya.
If anyone doesn't know how to make Jambalaya I will pop up a recipe tomorrow.

We should publish a Beteo cookbook via Lulu

You mean the one further up this page? Look: viewtopic.php?p=67314#p67314

Jambalaya is indeed excellent. Not quite as acebest as proper gumbo made with 4-hours-to-prepare roux, mind. I shall stick up a recipe later.

Roux is brilliant stuff, by the way, with squillions of uses. Also fun to make - constant stirring of hot oil and flour for several hours! Good opportunity to listen to Radio 4 and drink wine.

May I add a gloriously unexpected salad?

Chorizo and black pudding salad!

Get your crispy leaf salad leaves, add cherry tomatoes and olives, sliced onion and sliced apple. Slice some chorizo and black pudding. Fry until well done. Sprinkle balsamic vinegar over salad and crumble black pudding over leaves. Add sliced chorizo. Crumble feta cheese over salad also if you like.

Enjoy with a crisp white wine, possibly chablis.

It's pretty lush!

Oh

I am nothing if not consistent in my stupidity...

I really cannot remember ever posting that before. Oh well!

I don't care for black pudding, but that is a nice sounding combination. Incidentally, if you are ever making finger food, lumps of chorizo on cocktail sticks with a black olive is a delicious combination.

Chorizo is a damned fine food all round in fact.

It is, but I insist anyone who has been eating cured chorizo go out and buy some fresh chorizo. Has to be cooked, but it's so much better it's unreal.

I will try that. I like me some chorizo.

I once new someone who pronounced it "cor-i-zo". They were thoroughly mocked.

Chorizo is awesome, and I like me a bit of black pudding. I'd like some of this.

You, lady, are a racialist.

What's in a white pudding anyway (he dreaded to ask)?

Isn't it black pudding without the blood?

And chorizo is yoreetho.

Cleaned up into B&B.

Hang on - you leave your entirely wrong pronounciation of Chorizo but delete everyone else's?
I'd have just deleted rather than move to B&B, though, as it was a tedious conversation anyway.

Anyway - white pudding isn't just black pudding without the blood, no.

It also has (or had?) sheeps brains in it, according to an explanation from my pudding-fan of a dad many years ago. Also much more oatmealy stuff.

?
Chor-ee-zo?
Am I right in saying it like this? If not; shut up you racist.

It is indeed black putting without the blood.



So 100-odd years ago it had sheeps brains, but it doesn't now.