First let me get my complaints out of the way in brief bullet like form.
* The UK health service are now obsessed with me having ADHD just because the Americans said I had Bipolar.
* My life is being put at risk (no, I'm not dramatising).
* I am not getting help with my real problems (Bipolar and Autism).
So yes. Where do I begin?
I began seeing a psychiatrist in the mid noughties. I have suffered with depression and anxiety and hyper activity most of my life but it all came to a head in and around 2004 when I finally started to think that maybe everyone wasn't wrong, I wasn't right and I actually had a problem. I went to a psychiatrist every day for four months for him to monitor me. At first I asked him for something that would calm me the fuck down as I was really stressing. He gave me Ritalin. Within a couple of weeks I was suicidal. He took me off of Ritalin. I was then prescribed anti depressants and tried some other drugs. I settled on two in the end. Over the years I noticed that the relaxant/anti hyper meds were not working as they once did.
When I returned to the UK I asked my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist so I could get help with some pills. Since doing so I have regretted every fucking moment of it. For some reason they just refuse to listen to me when I tell them that I have bipolar.
Any way, I'll leave a load out and skip to the most recent. Last year in around August my supposed psychiatrist took me off of my anti depressants saying that I didn't need them because I did not have Bipolar disorder. By November I was seriously considering suicide and most of my day consisted of me sitting here thinking of ways to end my life without causing a huge impact on my family. Surely there had to be a way to end my suffering without causing them any?. Sadly (I suppose you could call it thankfully) I could not logically find a way to do it. In the end I ended up at my doctors having a breakdown on my hands and knees crying my eyes out begging for my anti depressants.
Very recently I went to the ADH fucking D specialist they have sent me to some 50 miles away. The last time I was there he said I didn't have ADHD. At the end of the session he gave me a prescription. I asked what it was as it was called Concerta XL. He said (after a lot of poking) that it was basically Ritalin. Now I immediately had a flash back to the last time I took Ritalin and what it did to me and
immediately informed him that it made me suicidal. That all of a sudden I lost the ability to rationalise and suffered severe anxiety attacks. The cunt basically fucking ignored me. Instead he gave me a prescription of
slow release Concerta XL
Well of course, like any one else with a mental illness I know what works for me and I am wary of being used as a pin cushion so I simply did not take them. He phoned me two weeks in to see how I was going and I said I was very depressed and didn't need anti mania/calm the fuck down pills and so I hadn't taken them yet. He got pretty ratty and said "do you want to bother coming here again?".
Around a week later (about four days ago) I felt my mania coming. That's one good thing I guess is that as I have grown with this illness I can actually feel the changes now and feel it coming. It doesn't make things any easier, but it does give me a rough idea of which pill bottle to reach for and which pills to start stuffing down my throat. Now normally when I felt my mania coming (beat boxing until my jaw ached so much it begins to lock, tapping my feet and hands, shaking in my chair) I would take a Risperidone and shut myself down before I cause myself harm (not physical just emotional. Being manic drains the fucking shit out of me).
However, this time I reached for the Ritalin. The first couple of days were amazing. I felt like a teenager stoned on weed. Creativity hit all time highs and I have got so much done. However, Saturday I started to feel very nervous. My stomach was burning and I started to feel dizzy. Then I began to panic. No one was here and I tried everything I could think of to calm down.
I woke up yesterday morning and like a fucking idiot took more Ritalin. By 7pm last night I was pacing all around the house, my mania had fucking sky rocketted and the Ritalin was doing fuck all but making me feel really scared and nervous (I don't like weed any more, it gives me terrible panic attacks).
By 11pm I felt that if I didn't have a heart attack soon I was going to end my life. How I ever made it to this morning is a mystery.
And this is all because I took medication for an illness I don't fucking have. So instead of helping me they are pushing me to suicide. They're also just not fucking listening to
ME at all. How and why the fuck would you prescribe something to some one if they told you it pushed them to suicide? seriously, how could any one be that fucking thick?
So today I got a questionaire in the post about the mental health services (oh, the fucking irony) and in there it asked me all these questions about my councilor. The one that I am supposed to be able to call 24 hours a day, who stops in to check up on me, who basically helps me and talks to me when my head is fucked.
Erm, what fucking councilor?
Answer is, in short, I don't fucking have one. And, I am actually becoming really scared now that I will end up taking my life soon. Over the last two years my condition has become so bad that I no longer even leave the house. I'm not even getting help for it, I'm simply being fucked around, fucked in general and pushed to the edge of destruction.
Why? Why can't I just get fucking help? Why the fuck do they refuse to believe me when I tell them what is wrong with me and want to fuck me around with other diagnosis?
Seriously, who else do I have left to turn to? I asked for help. I was trying to get help. But all I have found is a bunch of fucking mongs who want to hurt me rather than help me.