Be Excellent To Each Other

Plissken getting married has reminded me of a discussion we had at work a few weeks ago.

Out of us married bods, how many of you had sex on your wedding night?

I did not, for two reasons;
(1) It was 5am, and I was knackered
(2) The wife was incredibly drunk

Out of the eight married people in the discussion, not one consummated their marriage on the same day as they got wed.

Does it matter who with?

Well, yes. I suppose it should be with your wife/husband.

I'm not married, but at the last wedding I went to the Bride and Groom looked utterly exhausted by about 10pm. I'd bet the just went to bed and slept for 10 hours straight.

I've only been to two weddings, and the first was when a very dear and very religious friend was marrying very early in life because she believed in "no sex before marriage" .

About midnight, I had a very awkward conversation with her new husband, who 1) Was very, very drunk and 2) Was terrified that in a short period of time was going to have to consummate his marriage for the first time in his life, whilst barely able to stand.

Obviously my friend and I have very different views and had lots of entertaining arguments, but one of our biggest was about how waiting for your marriage night would make it more special - where I pointed out that it must normally be a complete failure.

I still feel bad that I was right about that argument.

You probably would if you'd've had to wait until you were married though, like but.

[edit] Damn, Lave's post ruined mine.

[edit2] and mine was rubbish in the first place.

We most certainly did. We buggered off at 11.30 and left the guests at the party going til the early hours.

Also - we weren't drunk. We decided in advance that we could get pissed any night we fancied, but we were only getting married once, and it was worth being at least in hailing distance of sober and remembering it all.

Me and the engaged gf barely drink at all. The single time I've seen her drunk was the night we got engaged. There was no rudeness to speak of, but I did make some nice cheese on toast.

Not married, but my missus and I have always said that if/when we do, we'll start the day with rampant bestial fuckery, to ensure that it takes place.

Is that a euphemism?

No, I actually made cheese on toast. I ate it while recording the gf pissing herself laughing and stumbling around the house.

We didn't do the deed on our wedding night. My wife had had such a lovely day, I didn't want to ruin it for her.

She probably had jet-lag, too.

I intend to never get married.

And cramp - you should see the size of the box she was shipped in.

Does Mrs MaliA know this? This is the sort of thing they get upset about if they find out about it too late, I understand.

I would imagine at least part of this is that it's very rare these days that the wedding night would be the first time.

No, never? That's disgraceful.

Heh, she keeps making me watch these telly programs about weddings and ones involving babies....

It's the decline in moral values, I tell you.

Where on earth did that photo come from? And why?

You must've been around for that! It was the great "make titler cry" argument.

It was awesome.

Grim... what IS that 'Hello Titler' picture about? It's baffling to me.

It's the Titler smilie. When he got all pissed off with me on WoS about the way I chatted up women (even though the real issue was that he did have a habit of pointing out the obvious) I pledged to go and chat up a load that night just to annoy him.
I sent him photos of four different women holding that bit of paper up

He didn't think it was funny

Stuff like that was why the internet was invented.

I vaguely remember that thread - somehow you talking to women proved you were a chauvinist, or gay, or a secret transsexual lesbian, or a fascist or something really odd and illogical.

It proved Grim... is a libertine

I'm not buying that (That's handy... - all). Someone posted about Harry Potter fans getting angry at Scott Mills just before the last (at the time) book came out, and Titler waded in with his usual 5,000 word essay covering stuff we already knew.
Someone asked him if his subscription to Patronising Monthly had arrived, and he got pretty angry at everyone. I told him that he did come across as patronising sometimes, and he went nuts at me because of the "way I treat women" (which was a conversation about the way I used to chat up women from another thread). Throughout the rest of the thread all he did was have a go at me.
It was baffling, frankly.
I think it got lost in the great post fuckup on WoS.

I think you stole his girlfriend.

There's actually the possibility that I did.
I think we went to school together.

Ah. That er... wait, what?

Hang on - weren't you already married then as you were chatting up these women? Oh Grim...

Nooo! I completely missed this (mainly because I avoided WoS for a while whilst Titler was posting) and I want to read it. Someone find it. NOW. Googlecache?*


*I have no idea what this is, but it sounds cool.

I didn't snog any of them.

Speaking of which... Backup time!
[edit]Cor, that was easy.

Grim... How do (or, rather, 'did') you chat up women?

"Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?"

Fortune 500-FTFY

STOLE.

This sounds a bit like a scam-baiting technique.

I was very arrogant. Like, absurdly so. You learn to see the sort of woman this will work on pretty quickly, and then just start telling them how great you were.
I was always skint, so I'd tell them to buy me a drink so I'd talk to them. I'd basically ignore what they said and keep talking about me (and ignore their mates if they were in a group), then after telling them there was someone I had to meet, I'd say something really nice to them (trying to reference something they'd said that it looked like I had ignored earlier).
50% phone number rate, I reckon, once you learn to identify the sort of women it would work with.

You fucking bastard.

Brainless, insecure ones, you mean, from the sounds of it.

Smart ones, TBH. Dunno why - maybe it's because they held back from slinging insults

Smart but insecure and very drunk?

Grim..., does this technique also work on women who aren't mad, blind, ugly and handicapped?

Theoretically, natch.

Seriously, I shit you not. They weren't any of those things.

Hmmmm...

I can't imagine that working on me or anyone that I know, nor can I imagine the sort of person that it would be affective with, but I guess it all comes down to the setting, situation and how jocular/cheeky/charming you were with it, so it's a bit hard to imagine. Novel, certainly.