Be Excellent To Each Other

First let me get my complaints out of the way in brief bullet like form.

* The UK health service are now obsessed with me having ADHD just because the Americans said I had Bipolar.

* My life is being put at risk (no, I'm not dramatising).

* I am not getting help with my real problems (Bipolar and Autism).

So yes. Where do I begin?

I began seeing a psychiatrist in the mid noughties. I have suffered with depression and anxiety and hyper activity most of my life but it all came to a head in and around 2004 when I finally started to think that maybe everyone wasn't wrong, I wasn't right and I actually had a problem. I went to a psychiatrist every day for four months for him to monitor me. At first I asked him for something that would calm me the fuck down as I was really stressing. He gave me Ritalin. Within a couple of weeks I was suicidal. He took me off of Ritalin. I was then prescribed anti depressants and tried some other drugs. I settled on two in the end. Over the years I noticed that the relaxant/anti hyper meds were not working as they once did.

When I returned to the UK I asked my doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist so I could get help with some pills. Since doing so I have regretted every fucking moment of it. For some reason they just refuse to listen to me when I tell them that I have bipolar.

Any way, I'll leave a load out and skip to the most recent. Last year in around August my supposed psychiatrist took me off of my anti depressants saying that I didn't need them because I did not have Bipolar disorder. By November I was seriously considering suicide and most of my day consisted of me sitting here thinking of ways to end my life without causing a huge impact on my family. Surely there had to be a way to end my suffering without causing them any?. Sadly (I suppose you could call it thankfully) I could not logically find a way to do it. In the end I ended up at my doctors having a breakdown on my hands and knees crying my eyes out begging for my anti depressants.

Very recently I went to the ADH fucking D specialist they have sent me to some 50 miles away. The last time I was there he said I didn't have ADHD. At the end of the session he gave me a prescription. I asked what it was as it was called Concerta XL. He said (after a lot of poking) that it was basically Ritalin. Now I immediately had a flash back to the last time I took Ritalin and what it did to me and immediately informed him that it made me suicidal. That all of a sudden I lost the ability to rationalise and suffered severe anxiety attacks. The cunt basically fucking ignored me. Instead he gave me a prescription of slow release Concerta XL

Well of course, like any one else with a mental illness I know what works for me and I am wary of being used as a pin cushion so I simply did not take them. He phoned me two weeks in to see how I was going and I said I was very depressed and didn't need anti mania/calm the fuck down pills and so I hadn't taken them yet. He got pretty ratty and said "do you want to bother coming here again?".

Around a week later (about four days ago) I felt my mania coming. That's one good thing I guess is that as I have grown with this illness I can actually feel the changes now and feel it coming. It doesn't make things any easier, but it does give me a rough idea of which pill bottle to reach for and which pills to start stuffing down my throat. Now normally when I felt my mania coming (beat boxing until my jaw ached so much it begins to lock, tapping my feet and hands, shaking in my chair) I would take a Risperidone and shut myself down before I cause myself harm (not physical just emotional. Being manic drains the fucking shit out of me).

However, this time I reached for the Ritalin. The first couple of days were amazing. I felt like a teenager stoned on weed. Creativity hit all time highs and I have got so much done. However, Saturday I started to feel very nervous. My stomach was burning and I started to feel dizzy. Then I began to panic. No one was here and I tried everything I could think of to calm down.

I woke up yesterday morning and like a fucking idiot took more Ritalin. By 7pm last night I was pacing all around the house, my mania had fucking sky rocketted and the Ritalin was doing fuck all but making me feel really scared and nervous (I don't like weed any more, it gives me terrible panic attacks).

By 11pm I felt that if I didn't have a heart attack soon I was going to end my life. How I ever made it to this morning is a mystery.

And this is all because I took medication for an illness I don't fucking have. So instead of helping me they are pushing me to suicide. They're also just not fucking listening to ME at all. How and why the fuck would you prescribe something to some one if they told you it pushed them to suicide? seriously, how could any one be that fucking thick?

So today I got a questionaire in the post about the mental health services (oh, the fucking irony) and in there it asked me all these questions about my councilor. The one that I am supposed to be able to call 24 hours a day, who stops in to check up on me, who basically helps me and talks to me when my head is fucked.

Erm, what fucking councilor?

Answer is, in short, I don't fucking have one. And, I am actually becoming really scared now that I will end up taking my life soon. Over the last two years my condition has become so bad that I no longer even leave the house. I'm not even getting help for it, I'm simply being fucked around, fucked in general and pushed to the edge of destruction.

Why? Why can't I just get fucking help? Why the fuck do they refuse to believe me when I tell them what is wrong with me and want to fuck me around with other diagnosis?

Seriously, who else do I have left to turn to? I asked for help. I was trying to get help. But all I have found is a bunch of fucking mongs who want to hurt me rather than help me.

I'm going to bed soon, but I will read this and give a proper response tomorrow.

PALS. Ask your GP for a social worker and/or a dedicated CPN.

Cheers Dim. I just need to find help, not hurt.

I seriously wish now that I hadn't even bothered. I certainly won't be returning to the cunt.

Edit. I'm also terrified of what the fuck I am going to do when my family are no longer here. They're all in their mid 60s now and I don't get along with my brother very well as he's anti mental illness 'there's fuck all wrong with you you lazy cunt' sort of a person. I have to say that recently we do at least speak to each other and he has actually showed some sort of understanding, but I don't think it would ever be enough to ask him for help.

Get in touch with your trust's mental health team. They operate separately from the psychiatrist and you should be able to get in touch with them directly without being referred by him. My local one has support groups and courses running year round and they've been great with me. If you feel you need the extra support or help ask the GP and they should have a CPN that visits the practise you can talk to face to face. Mine do, at least.

I'm not sure if that can be considered what I was supposed to have with my local psychiatrist?. Either way you call the dozy bitch and it takes three fucking days for her to call you back. It was her that began this obsession with ADHD and for two years now I've been jerked around and sent all over the country in my quest to uncover my mythical ADHD

The answer? simple. If I am depressed I am not going to any cunt. Let alone a psychiatrist. So, chances are they will only ever see me there manic. Which is why they're fucking obsessed with me having ADHD. I have asked them to come to my house to see the difference (because whenever I go to them I am worked the fuck up by the time I get there and hyper any way) and they have refused. I'm done with them now dude. Seriously I can't go on being fucked around.

That's where a CPN comes in. They can visit you on a weekly or fortnightly basis to monitor your wellbeing.

Also root out your area's mental health Crisis Team phone number in case either yourself or your family need it. Mine's pinned to the fridge door.

John, go to Mind, get support from them. Their job description may be something along the lines of 'outreach worker'. You need to stipulate (nicely) that you really need support from someone with a good knowledge and/or connections in the local mental health service, but your local Mind branch should be able to provide or signpost you to someone who can support you through this process - Most areas have a bunch of people who can help with the sort of problem you are facing, doctors tend to behave themselves when you turn up with your support worker, from my experience of being one. Things get called different things from region to region but let me know where your region is and I can probably point you to the right advocacy groups with some judicious googling.

PM me, so's I remember to respond. Should check tomorrow evening when I get in. You certainly aren't dramatising and I'm keen to make sure you are able to get who you need to get on board with this.

I'd be tempted to keep a copy of your FP as well, it makes a good summary of the situation. Dimrill is correct about the crisis team. Use their number if you need to. Most importantly at this stage - I realise you are posting candidly on a forum full of friends but get in the habit of never saying anything derogatory or personal about anyone in mental health services. Probably one of the more helpful habits to have.

Forgot about MIND. They were excellent also, and completely unbiased.

I can't offer a lot in response that those much more versed in such matters than me haven't already said - but I hope things get better for you, JC.

Sorry to read that you are having so many problems but glad that people here can offer you good advice.

JC, I hope you can get the support you need, and it gets better

Sorry to hear that, JC.

I'll ask the missus to look at this thread after work today. She's an experienced psychiatric nurse who has worked in crisis teams for a decade or so.

But also don't forget that we're all here to listen (and give advice if possible) when things get difficult. You shouldn't have to feel like you're on your own.

Hope things get better for you soon chap.

Thanks Nik. To be honest I absolutely hate talking about it with any one, let alone you lot. I don't want to bum any one out.

Even yesterday when I was talking to my family about what had happened on the Sunday my Aunt who is a really sweet lovely woman said "Well when it happens just go out for a walk".

I realise it's impossibly hard for someone to understand, which tbh is what makes it really difficult to talk about.

I just feel right now that I am being rail roaded into having ADHD just because of what one person who went to college feels. And in my mind that's not good enough.

The first psychiatrist I spoke to in the UK was the first one to mention my autistic traits. He said that he was relatively confident I had mild autism which is what caused me to be shy and say things without thinking, aswell as my habits. He was also confident I had Bipolar disorder. And he was the third psychiatrist to say that. However I was then sent to some one else. This person made it pretty clear from the start that she was not a professional, but she seemed to think I had ADHD. At which point instead of actually listening to me and giving me the help I asked for she starting fucking with my medication and sending me to an ADHD specialist.

As I mentioned before the last time I was there he said that he did not think I had ADHD and referred me to some one else. I think that was supposed to be a bipolar specialist. However, when I went to see this person it turns out it was the same guy.

And all he did was ask me the same set of questions he has asked me over and over, in the same order, every time I have been to see him.As I say, last time he said he didn't think I have ADHD, this time he's giving me Ritalin. It's almost like he's out of ideas so just wants to give me pills for ADHD which just totally don't agree with me.

It's honestly like groundhog day. It's like I'm going to have to keep repeating the same thing before I just shut the fuck up and do what they tell me. And the thing is I know that they are wrong because I have even had them tell me, we don't think you have ADHD.

You aren't going to bum anyone out, mental illness is about as common as a taste for video games. And, just like with video games, those who've never really experienced them never really understand the first thing about how they feel. That said, if you don't feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing others who've not gone through the same certainly won't be able to. One of the better means of feeling more able to talk about MH is to practice. You can and are doing that here, then there's options in the links I sent you. All told this thread is full of good advice, and I'm sure everyone who has offered some is very glad you took the effort to speak up, because in your position speaking up is a draining experience for many.

I took a look at those links. There's a few places within 10 miles of here which is awesome. I'm going to phone Mind and tell them about my problem. I just don't want to be put on any more medication that's going to screw me up. I certainly don't want to be ignored when I tell some one that certain meds make me suicidal and given them any way, and then given a guilt trip (TCOH do you want to bother coming to see me?) when I don't want to take them.

I only took them because I felt pressured to. I knew they were going to make me bad as there's a few meds that do. I'm incredibly sensitive to any meds and ones that don't agree with me really screw me up.

Baseball season starts soon and you've got Roy Halladay now... that's got to pick your mood up a little

Haha cheers AK yeah my buddy Ryan has been going on about him and I have him added on facebook. He uses the Holiday Inn logo

Sorry for the belated reply I never noticed it before !

Any way I dug up this thread to update. So today I finally went to see a bipolar specialist who really was a bipolar specialist and he said from a thirty minute conversation he knew I had bipolar disorder. The upshot is that I am now being put on mood stabilisers for the first time ever and I am really looking forward to hopefully feeling normal for a while.

I have met a good few psychiatrists in my time but this was one of the best. I explained to him what had happened when I took Concerta (Ritalin) and he told me that Ritalin is basically amphetamine. It's designed to wake you up and make you productive and creative. Which would explain why I had the massive panic attacks because I fucking took the shit when I was manic thinking it would calm me down

The dude who gave me it has been struck off (not only by me but by my doctor). He phoned me last week and I explained what had happened and how I had repeatedly told him not to give me Ritalin. In the end I thanked him but reminded him that in two years we have gotten absolutely nowhere.

Also thanks to GY I have now found a support group and activity group and the positive thinking has gotten me away from the house and out and about more. Today was the first time I have been out on my own on the train since getting home which was a huge step for me. With any luck I can become more and more active now and start trying to live a normal (ish) life.

Awesome. Good to hear it JC.