Be Excellent To Each Other

OK, here's the skinny. I've got tickets to the first day at Lord's (next Thursday, if this isn't the first day, apologies for my ignorance) and the simple fact of the matter is this — I know literally nothing about cricket, and I can't transfer this ticket to anybody else. So in order to appreciate the event and the sport I'm requesting a 101 on the sport. With stabilisers.

Fanks

[edit] that should be newby, not newly!

Cunt.

More detail, not based around that word, shall follow when I have chance (assuming I do) at work tomorrow.

And I gave you a book and every fink! I know this is going to piss off cricket fans and if I could give the tickets away I would, but I can't. I'm going and I'd like to appreciate the sport more because I'm going, so educate me.

You want England to hit the ball far lots and Australia to have the ball caught and hut the stumps lots.

Cricket is played between two teams who each get a chance to bat and bowl.
When they bat a batsman is in until he’s out. When he’s out the next batsman comes in until he’s out.

When all the batsmen are out, the team is all out, apart from one batsman who is not out.

The team that were fielding then go into bat until they are all out and it is a case of the team who scored the most being the winner.

So, you're going to the cricket?

Even for the most ardent fan, you are not going to watch cricket for 7 hours. You are going to the cricket. This involves watching some cricket, but mainly chatting, eating and of course drinking. Mainly talking. Take a paper, or a book. Everyone else does and no-one will be offended. If Jonathan Trott (England) is likely to bat, take some cocaine.

There are two fundamentals to test cricket. One team has to get all of the other team out twice. And having achieved that, they must then have scored more runs than them by the time the game ends. Note that scoring runs is of secondary importance. You cannot win unless you have got the whole team out twice. Regardless as to how many runs you score.

The knowledgeable spectator before yesterday would question the Australians ability to take 20 wickets. Our bowlers are best in the world and can achieve that against any team. Australia would probably struggle to take 20 if we assume that England stop batting like numpties. But they have been all year, so...

The knowledgable spectator will also refer to the slope. Lords is built on a very discernible hill, and the wicket has this slope running across it. This is very unusual and interferes with how you bowl. If an Australian bowler is being carted all over the ground, be sure to make reference to the fact that he is struggling to come to terms with the slope. Conversely, if English bowlers are dominating, then they are using the slope to their advantage. If Ian Bell gets out, this was not due to the slope or good bowling. It is because he is shit.

There are five main ways (other rare ways) of taking a batsman out (wicket)

- Hitting his stumps with the ball (bowled). Easy to understand.

- Run out. Similarly easy to understand. Batsmen attempt a run and one batsman doesn't get back before the ball hits the wicket

- Stumped. This is like a run out, but when a batsman is playing a shot, misses, it steps forward to the keeper who 'runs him out' as he has stepped out of his crease. Will be claimed frequently when a slow bowler is playing but invariably isn't actually out.

- Caught. Would be easy to understand but bear in mind that it test cricket this isn't normally because the ball has been hoiked in the air, but arises from a feint deflection to the wicketkeeper or the fielders alongside him (slips). In such cases, or near misses, you'll see a hotspot replay on the big screen with IR cameras detecting whether it hit his bat or hands (out) or something else (not)

- LBW. It's too early to deal with explaining this, but with a lot of caveats, if the ball hits the batsmans pads at a time when the ball is between the two sets of wickets AND the ball would otherwise have hit the stumps then he is out. Due to the uncertainties involved, this is guesswork. It is however important that every spectator has an opinion which they vocalise before certainty is achieved. Key things to say at this point before Hawkeye gives a final confirmation on the big screen are "going over" (the stumps) "missing" (the stumps) or "outside the line" (it hit his pads someway to the side). The final option is the easiest to justify before you saw the replay, after the replay, going over is hardest to disprove due to the camera angle.

Umpires make the decision to give out without the benefit of the replay but teams can challenge their decision by review on the big screen, but can only do so (incorrectly) twice per innings. If they manage to get the umpire overruled (not that often, the process is weighted in favour of the initial decision) they keep that challenge to use again.

Etiquette.

Do not leave your seat during play, leave only at the end of an over (6 balls) or a wicket. Take your cue from the stairwell as stewards will only let people back in at these points.

At the bar, where the sign says "4 drinks maximum" you should read maximum as also meaning minimum.

Plan your toilet breaks well. Lords is full of old men with weak but unpowerful bladders. You may be waiting a while.

Do not make a beer snake. Do not give cups to help build a beer snake. If a beer snake is being made directly behind you, remonstrate. If a beer snake is being made in front of you, tut. If a beer snake is being built at any other area of the ground, cheer as if it is the single most entertaining discovery in the history of mankind.

The food at lords is amazing, really surprisingly good for a sports venue. I got married there on the basis of the quality of their hospitality food. However if you've not got hospitality tickets, strongly recommend booking a hamper to eat on the nursery ground in the lunch interval.

Fantastic advice.

In addition, be sure to mention that you're still unsure of Ian Bell's temperament at the highest level, and oh what would have happened had the fabulous bowler Simon Jones not had knees made of icing sugar.

Oh for the sake of fuck. I just Googled 'beer snake' as I'd never heard of the concept and our web filtering software blocked the Wikidpedia link because, "The category "Alcohol and Tobacco" is filtered." Really Websense? Fucking really?!

Edited advice to include the Lords Slope and how it affects nearly all bowlers.

I love you, APOD.

Here.


You spin it round your head like a fitba rattle (do they even exist outside of the Beano & Dandy?)

Oh, and the winner of the series gets the trophy of The Ashes, which is a little urn containing the burnt remains of Fat Bob Key.

http://www.thecricketer.com/jargonbuster.aspx

This is a rather good crib sheet on some of the stuff you will hear if you're listening to Test Match Special or Test Match Sofa.

Fab advice APOD, you sir are a gent and scholar and may your pies always be destined to be appley.

Also, start following @uscricketguy on twitter.

FUCKING HELL.

I should have been there today, and now this.

Well, yes, quite. My friend had tickets but elected to go and watch some bike race abroad instead.

Looks like i'll be getting a refund on those (freebie) sunday tickets!

If a fucking 19 year old debutant get's a fucking century batting at 11 then fuck this world. I'm moving to Mars.

Seriously though. Fucking good going, noob!

I can only hope it's because it's really easy to bat on now, and then when they finally do get him out (shortly before/after his 100) England will be able to post a big score over the next 5/6 sessions.

Malc

Phew, eh Davpaz?

Excellent. The world makes sense again.

Although, I'm a bit disappointed for the lad.

I totally called it, I also called 8 wickets dropping in the 3rd session yesterday.

Malc

Yeah, right.

Watch England's batting crumble in style now.

Let us hope not.

Malc

I blame myp.

What the effing heck is going on in this test?

Mr Dave!

What have you done!

Malc

Followed the English cricket side for long enough to know that the only way to avoid regular disappointment is to always expect the worst, mainly.

What a fucking couple of days' cricket. Gutted I won't be there tomorrow to see glorious centuries from Cook, Pietersen and Bell.

There are no spawnier people in the world than you two for catching those two days. I fear a dullfest of quiet accumulation for the crowds tomorrow.

Divorcing myself from being an England fan for a minute, it was amazing. As a partisan England supporter it wasn't that great seeing all 10 wickets fall and then seeing THAT 10th wicket stand.

I did fully appreciate I was watching history, although the chav Forest-supporting thugs behind me didn't appreciate it when I pointed it out.

Credit where credit's due, APOD, that was a fecking masterful post. Lulz

I'm concerned about the accuracy of malcs predictions in this thread to date. Normally he can't accurately predict the colour of the pair of pants he's going to take off at the end of the day, even if he's stood in his underwear in front of a full length mirror in a lit room.

This is so close now. Anyone want to call it?

England to win.

I think you may be right.

That was cutting things a little too fine.

That was tense!

Malc

Pfft, Edgbaston in 2005 was seven times more fine than that.

I would also class that as too fine.

Enjoy today, snappa.

You cunt.

So Finn or Bresnan? (or Onions or Tremlett?)

I would suggest keep faith with Finn and give him the new ball with Anderson. An unchanged team has got to show confidence, whereas it looks like the Aussies will be changing 2 of their players.

I can see Finn/Broad dominating the bowling this time getting perhaps 12-15 wickets between them with Anderson, Swann and Root picking up the remaining. I also can't see a repeat of the amazing last wicket stands that Australia produced last time out. I do think at least one of the top order will fire though. It will be interesting to see where Clarke bats, can they afford to have him bat in his favoured position?

Looking forward to it!

Malc

Clarke likes to bat at 5 (and the statistics show he is best there); however, he is their best batsman so has to bat higher up really. That's why he came in at 4 at TB. If he had Hussey and Ponting (pre 08) still, then he'd be ok to go back down to 5.

I have a sneaking suspicion we'll stick with Finn, only because it's at his home ground. It all depends on the pitch, I suppose. If it's like Trent Bridge they may want to go with Bresnan. Onions and Tremlett have an outside chance, but it's unlikely.

Other than that I can't see England making any changes. Cowan was the Aussies worst performer by a distance, so he may get the chop - would they put Warner back in after the problems he's had? Also, Starc lost the plot bowling in the second innings. They could bring in 'made of glass' Ryan Harris.

Should be 2-0 England. Australia played out of their skins and lost the 1st Test. England were very ordinary and won. I can't see us being that bad again.

Sky sports says it may be Kawaji (spelling?) and Harris in for Cowan and Starc out.

Malc

I've had a feeling about this test since the weekend. England bat first, score 350, Aus 300, but both relatively steady innings. Aus bowled out cheap in 4th for an England win.

If Asus bat first, similar score, but England score c500, win by an innings. Similar to the ODI team, we've got the skills but are incapable of batting without a target.

I can.

England win the toss and bat!

Woo!

Ooh and they've brought Bresnan in!

Malc

I stand corrected.